Say it Ain't So
by Antharyn
Summary: Afer one wild, drunken night some things are better left to the unknown. CRACK. XD HisagixKira, IkkakuKira, IbaKira, Kenpachi.


**Title:** Say it Ain't So  
**Author:** Antharyn  
**Pairing:** Hisagi Shuuhei x Kira Izuru, Ikkaku + Kira, Iba + Kira, frickin' Kenpachi, yo!  
**Summary:** Some things are better left unknown. Don't let that line fool you, though. this shit is crack. XD  
**Notes/Warnings:** The original response to **arrankaara**'s request over at **shuukira**. The one I posted before was just a rabid plot bunny that jumped out of my left ear and wrote itself.  
**Rating:** PG just to be safe?  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. I just borrow the characters and make them do my nasty bidding. They like it. A lot.

Shuuhei flinched as another loud bang pierced the otherwise silent room. He was sitting up in bed, propped up against the pillows and from where he sat he had a wonderful view of Kira slamming plates, bowls and cups here and there as he prepared their lunch.

The blond had arrived a half hour ago but had yet to say a word to him, choosing instead to fuss over the sheets and fluff up the pillows then flit in and out of the room again and again rather than sit down and really talk to him like he normally would when the 9th Division Vice-Captain found himself lying in bed in the 4th Squad Hospital Wing.

Shuuhei sighed as Kira unceremoniously slammed something else on the tray. He knew he should say something to placate the blond but he couldn't for the life of him figure out what.

Finally the banging ceased as Kira approached the bed and sat down beside him. The younger shinigami made a show of mixing the noodles in the bowl he held before he scooped some up with a pair of chopsticks and thrust it toward Shuuhei's face.

The older shinigami turned his eyes from the soggy noodles dangling inches from his mouth to Kira's angry glare. Was he really going to feed him or stab him through with the chopsticks as soon as he opened his mouth?

"Uhm...I think I can manage by myself." He told the blond. He half-expected the bowl of noodles and chopsticks to come flying at his face but both stayed in place and Kira looked at him pointedly. He took the hint and opened his mouth.

He had to admit Kira was a good cook; the noodles were delicious and as damaging as it was to his pride, he let himself be fed if only to alleviate the tension between them. Minutes passed in silence and as he sat there obediently taking in every offered noodle, he noticed Kira's anger ebb away little by little until Shuuhei figured he was safe from any possible stabbing with the chopsticks. He jokingly asked if the food was poisoned and Kira laughed and shook his head.

"Don't get too comfortable." Kira said in mock warning, setting the bowl and chopsticks down on his lap. "You still have a lot of explaining to do." The blond crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him sternly. "Anything you want to tell me?"

Well, that was a no-brainer.

"No." He said automatically but caved when Kira raised a brow. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

Kira cocked his head to the side and made a show of thinking hard, tapping a finger to his bottom lip and humming out loud before making it look as if he had come to a decision. "What happened last night?"

Shuuhei spent the next five seconds digging his own grave.

"I was drunk." _No, I wasn't._  
"And the thing with Ikkaku?"  
"An accident." _Not._  
"Hisagi-san, you can't unleash your bankai by accident."  
"No?" _Oops._  
Sigh. "Where's Iba-san?"  
"I can't remember." _They'll find him soon enough._  
"And my waking up in your futon closet?"  
"...uh..." 

He looked at Kira with an expression of absolute innocence.

Kira wasn't fooled for a second and the noodles in Shuuhei's stomach started to want to see the light of day again.

"Honestly, Hisagi-san!" The blond huffed as he stood up from the bed. "An accident? You can't remember? I expected better from you!" Kira glared at him and the slamming and banging started all over again as Kira gathered everything back into the tray and got up to leave.

"Wait." He said at the last minute and Kira turned where he stood halfway out the door. Shuuhei took a deep breath and hoped he wasn't making a big mistake. "How much do you remember from last night?"

Kira looked startled. He slipped back into the room and placed the tray on the bedside table then sat back down on the bed. "Not much, really." He said. "Whatever Renji gave me to drink did quite a number on me. I could never hold my liquor very well."

At that, Shuuhei snorted and Kira glared, all indignant again. "Well, what do _I_ have to do with what _you_ did to the others last night?" He asked heatedly.

The older shinigami shifted uncomfortably in bed. He might as well get it over with. He didn't know where to start so he decided the beginning was his best bet. Duh. "We were playing poker, do you remember that?" he asked and Kira nodded. "Well…uh…it started okay but then things kinda got out of hand once everyone stated getting some booze in them…"

He looked at Kira who only stared back at him so he continued. "We decided to raise the stakes, you know, and like I said we were all hammered by then so…we kind of started playing…strip poker."

Kira blanched and his jaw dropped. He was never any good at poker. "uhm…"

"Yeah."

The two stared at each other in silence for a while before Kira cleared his throat and asked him to continue so he did. He told Kira that the blond was losing badly and that the _sake_ was pouring non-stop. He told him they were getting rowdier and rowdier and that Kira was half-naked by the time the guys decided to jump him.

"They what?!" Kira looked appalled and Shuuhei frantically tried to tell him their friends did NOT try to rape him exactly, they would have jumped anyone at that point. And Kira wasn't exactly kicking and screaming in resistance either but he _was_ smashed.

"So I kind of had to beat them off of you but you were really out of it so…"

"I…didn't even try to stop them?" Kira was white as a Captain's haori.

"Well, you were really, really, REALLY out of it." He amended because Kira wasn't a slut and would definitely have kicked their asses if he weren't so drunk. "So yeah, they chased us around a lot and we were all making a huge mess of things so I had to…uh...I had to carry you home and lock you in the futon closet."

He blushed at that last part but Kira didn't notice as he was trying valiantly to keep his lunch down.

"They…oh, God…and I just…oh, _GOD_…" He kept muttering under his breath and Shuuhei clamped a hand on his shoulder to make sure he didn't faint. Finally, Kira cleared his head from any potentially traumatizing visuals enough to look him in the eye. His whole face was bright red and Shuuhei fought to hide a smile at the sight.

"So…" Kira said, fidgeting with his sleeve. "Ikkaku?"  
"Groped you so I kicked his ass." _Hard._  
"Iba-san?"  
"In the Shrine of Penitence. He tried to kiss you." _Tried to eat your face, really._

Kira nodded and blushed some more and Shuuhei felt smug satisfaction at the fact that the tables were now turned and he wasn't the one sitting all uncomfortable and uneasy even if the way Kira looked like he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole _did_ eat at his conscience.

"Er…one last thing Hisagi-san…" Kira averted his eyes. "How did you end up in here if you…uhm…kicked their asses?"

Shuuhei blinked. He hadn't expected that and he felt his face heat up. "Ah…well…I met Zaraki-Taichou…on the way home with you…"

Kira looked at him expectantly.

"Well, uh…he was drunk, too…and you were…uh…still half-naked…"

Kira gaped. "…he didn't…"

"I managed to lock you in the futon closet just in time."

Kira stared at him then curled up into a little ball on the bed. "I'm never going to drink again." He whimpered into the sheets and the older shinigami patted his hair gently.

"Hey, Kira…" He said after a while, all soft and concerned now that the feeling of imminent death by angry blond no longer hung in the air. "Why were you so mad earlier?" He leaned over so he could see the younger shinigami's face. Kira was still blushing.

"Well…uhm…" Kira began slowly, twisting the fabric of the white sheets in his hands. "When I woke up half-naked in your house I thought…that we…uh…you know, we…" He trailed off blushing and Shuuhei felt his own face heat up. "but you weren't there so I thought you left me alone and…I just…uhm…"

"You were mad that I left?" Shuuhei finished for him and Kira gave him the smallest of nods. The two of them stayed quiet for a time, Shuuhei pondering their earlier conversation and Kira trying to get the one they had before that out of his head without success. "Hey, Kira."

"Yeah?"

"Would you still have been mad if I _hadn't_ left?" He looked at Kira intently. Wide blue eyes stared back at him and it seemed like all of eternity had passed before either of them said anything again.

"No." Kira said softly. "I don't think I would have."

Shuuhei smiled and gripped the blond's hand in his. Kira smiled back and squeezed his hand gently. 

"Come here." He said softly, pulling the blond closer to him and settling them both comfortably into the downy softness of the mattress.

"Now what if it were Zaraki-taichou?"

"Good _God_, Shuuhei!"

"Right. Nasty image. Sorry." He moved closer to the blond and lovingly rubbed smooth circles on his back as Kira vomited out the window.

**END.**


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